Domestic Violence: It Can Happen to Anyone

By Amber Michelle

One of my first exposures to domestic violence happened when I was in middle school, a neighbor showed up at our house late at night, seeking refuge from a husband who was beating her up. In college, I sat in my car with a friend while she wept and tried to hide from an abusive housemate. In my twenties my friend got married and spent the next two years being abused by her now ex-husband --- her screams as she was being strangled — caught the attention of the neighbors who called the police. She was injured enough from the incident that she was unable to move her neck for the next few days. Years later, there was the babysitter that I hired for my son. She showed up one evening with a cast on her arm. Turns out her husband had broken her arm during an argument, sending her to the emergency room. 

What exactly is domestic violence? The New York State Office for the Prevention of Domestic Violence defines it as: A pattern of coercive tactics, which can include physical, psychological, sexual, economic and emotional abuse perpetrated by one person against an adult intimate partner with the goal of establishing and maintaining power and control over the victim. 

It is important to note that domestic violence affects every race and ethnicity, educational background, religious background, gender, sexual orientation, as well as socio-economic level and it occurs in every city, state and country around the world. “There are no stereotypes here, wipe all previous images out of your mind. Anyone can be an abuser. They are master manipulators and will do what it takes to draw you in,” explains Darlene Reda, Program Administrator, Westchester County Office for Women. “We tell our clients that when you fell in love with that person, they may have been very charming.” 

Whether we are aware of it or not, we all know someone, who has been in, or is currently in, an abusive relationship. The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence reports that 1 in 3 women and 1 in 4 men experience some form of intimate partner violence. Their data also shows that 1 in 4 women and 1 in 9 men have experienced severe abuse from a partner. That equates to approximately 20,000 calls to the domestic violence hotline per day nationally.  

The numbers are shocking yet, domestic violence frequently goes unreported. “There are many reasons why victims don’t report the abuse. For example, women who are being abused may be afraid to reach out because their abuser threatens to kill them, their children, their extended family. They are often afraid that no one will believe them, including their family or the police. Some people hope that their abuser will change and that it won’t happen again,” says Reda.

Leaving an Abuser

Leaving an abusive situation is difficult, suddenly a woman is faced with a loss of housing, she may not have income or job skills and she is almost certain to be traumatized by the experience. Children may also be involved. It can be hard to know where to go or who to trust. With this in mind, supported in part by a grant from the Westchester Community Foundation Westchester Fund for Women and Girls, three organizations — CHHOP, Lifting Up Westchester and My Sister’s Place — collaborated to create Rehousing in Supportive Environments (RISE), a package of services for clients fleeing an abuser. 

“The cornerstone of the RISE program is the collaboration between the partners leveraging key strengths. CHHOP, My Sisters' Place and Lifting Up Westchester work as a team to bring safe housing and services that help survivors rebuild their lives,” comments Cynthia B. Knox, esq, CEO CHHOP.

 “It's everybody working together to provide seamless services to individuals and families when they are at their most vulnerable.” 

The benefits of accessing help all through one program are enormous for the client. “Referrals to different agencies puts the responsibility on the client and they can get lost going between three agencies. Now all of the counselors can work together and have a coordinated focus on one client, which really helps,” explains Anahaita N. Kotval, CEO, Lifting Up Westchester. “It’s difficult for one case manager to do everything, housing, employment and health issues. This is better because each agency specializes in a particular area so we can pool our expertise and be more efficient.”

“This program can support the needs of domestic violence survivors more fully,” says LaRon Getter, RISE Program Manager at CHHOP. “This collaboration provides therapeutic needs, housing needs and employment needs all in one program. This is a 24-month program. We provide assistance with rent and we give our clients the tools to survive. We encourage people to go back to school and learn job skills. The program assists with employment, such as resume writing and preparing for interviews.” 

Leaving is Tough

While it seems that leaving an abusive relationship is a no-brainer, just leaving with no safety plan in place can be very dangerous for a woman. “The first six months to a year after leaving an abuser is the most dangerous time for the survivor,” says Reda. “If you are being abused and are thinking of leaving, it is important not to forecast what you intend to do. Don’t tell him ‘if this happens one more time, I’m leaving.’ Meet with a domestic violence advocate to develop a safety plan and discuss your options, such as obtaining an order of protection, or considering a domestic violence shelter.”

While physical abuse is an obvious sign of domestic violence, other types of abuse, such as psychological, may be harder to determine. If you are unsure as to whether or not your relationship is abusive, there are some warning signs to watch for which include: Isolating you from family and friends, putting you down, trying to control what you do/say/wear, denying you access to money or financial assets, blaming you for everything that’s wrong in the relationship, accusing you over and over of being unfaithful, forcing you into having sex when or in ways you don’t want; threatening to harm you, the children, your family, your pets…or himself; shoves, hits, kicks, bites, slaps, punches, or pulls your hair. 

“Clients have told us that bruises and fractures heal, but it’s the psychological abuse that keeps them on their toes and in a constant state of fear,” says Reda. “The abuser threatens the victim with something and then she is terrified by not knowing when, or if, it will happen. This produces tremendous anxiety.”

If you know someone and you suspect that they may be in an abusive relationship, tread very carefully. 

The Westchester County Office for Women offers some tips for helping someone in an abusive situation. The do’s include offering support and concern, validating their experience by assuring them that they are not to blame and they are not alone, referring them to a domestic violence service provider for safety planning and other services. The don’ts are equally as important — you do not want to inadvertently put someone at greater risk than what they are already experiencing. Never suggest they leave their partner, or tell him they are going to leave. Do not tell them to immediately retain a lawyer and as hard as this may be, don’t give advice.

“We stress that you should not give advice. Someone may confide in a friend or colleague, who may say ‘I would never put up with that, you should just leave.’ Telling someone to leave without a safety plan in place makes it more dangerous for them,” concludes Reda. “The best way to create a safety plan is to work with a domestic violence service provider.”

If you are in Westchester County experiencing domestic violence, or know someone who is,

below are some licensed Domestic Violence providers:  

Westchester County Office for Women

914.995.5972

During the pandemic their phones are open for services at all times.

My Sister’s Place 

914.683.1333

800.298.7233 (24/7 hotline)

Hope’s Door

888.438.8700 (24/7 hotline)  

Domestic and Sexual Violence Hotline

800.726.4041